The Cuts Run Deeper Than You Think
by TeddybearLovingInsomniac
Summary: On a rainy day Thorin and Fili see the blood seeping though the bandages of Kili's wrist. They know about Kili's secret now. There's no escaping, actions have their consequences.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hi,**

**This is written for one of my (not really that close) friends who self harms. I was very close to doing this once, it was a message from someone that stopped me, perfect timing I'd say.**

**This is just a short prologue, I hope to continue it...but that depends on wether people like it or not.**

Disclaimer: I don't own The Hobbit... But I do own the many teddy bears that fill my room.

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Thorin's grasp on Kili's hand was hard. He had forced Kili to pull up his sleeve, revealing his blood stained bandaged arm.

Maybe he could make up a story. They hadn't seen what was under the bandages. Maybe he could talk his way out of this.

It was because of the rain. If it weren't for the rain Fili would never have seen the blood on his sleeve. If it weren't for the rain Thorin and Fili would never have to know about this-this sickness-this insanity. It was all because of the damn rain. At least that's what Kili told himself, deep down he knew it was his fault, he shouldn't have done it, he shouldn't have buried his small knife into his skin. But blaming it on the rain would keep him from doing it again and that's obviously what they wanted...for him to stop.

It was all over, his secret was out. All he wanted to do was run. Run from this messy life that he lived. Run from his problems. Run from all the concerned looks that the other members of the company were giving him as they treated him as though he was some kind of monster. Run from all his mistakes. Run away from himself.

Kili collapsed to the floor. Perhaps it was because of the blood loss or the tiredness from trekking on foot or maybe it was the the shock of them finding out, but probably a combination of the three. But collapsing was close enough to running.

Earlier that day...

_Kili brought the knife down to his skin. This was definitely not the first time he had done this. It was wrong, he knew it. But nothing else could give him this beautiful sensation. He closed his eyes and exhaled with pleasure after he drew the blood stained blade away from his left wrist. It left a light sting but the pain always comes after._

_He sat there and stared at the nine newly-made clean cuts on his now pale wrist, watching the thick blood seep from his skin and drip onto the forest floor. He reached into his one of his pockets and took out a clean strip of cloth. Like a professional he wrapped the cloth around his arm tightly and quickly, he had done this so many times the pretty much was a professional, an expert at covering up his many cuts. It had been three days since he last cut himself, although to him it felt like forever. It was hard to get time alone on a quest like this. Hunting for lunch was the perfect excuse._

_Beside him lay the large stag he killed just moments before. He tied it up, slung it over his shoulder and walked back to camp. Acting like nothing happened._

_"You're back! We were starting to get concerned brother."  
"Do you think a catching a deer it too much for me to handle?" Kili replied jokingly. He let out a smile. A smile was all it took to clear suspicion that anything had happened. A smile always convinced them.  
His charade of happiness always covered up how he really felt inside. This silly act of always being cheerful and carefree was a well made wall that nobody had ever seen through._

"No, you just took longer than usual." Ori added casually.

_Kili put the deer down, trying not to shown any sign of pain, over the years he had become an expert at hiding the pain he felt. Over the years he learnt how to hide his emotions. They can never find out he thought. Never._

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**AN: Please leave a review, I would really like to know what you think about this story so far, I'll try to make the other chapters a bit longer.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hi :) thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed or favourited this story! This chapter was a lot shorter than I expected but here you go! If you're against self harming or would like to stop self harming or would just like to think a little more positively or feel like you need a dose of encouragement or feel depressed or would like to see some inspiring quotes follow _Thehappyeeyore_ on Instagram, it's an account I just made (not my personal account) to help people out of depression (there's an explanation in comment form at the bottom of one of my posts). All the photos and edits I use are all original and made/taken by me. **

**Happy reading :) **

**-Kelly**

Disclaimer: I still don't own the hobbit...

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It doesn't look like what people think. The blood doesn't just flow freely to the ground. Deep red droplets form on top of the cut before letting gravity do its job. Unlike water it has a thick consistency that slows down the dripping. The blood is dark, darker than one would think. It didn't always look like this, the first time he cut himself the blood would flow like a tap. Generally the more you cut the less it bleeds, but the more you cut the better it feels...the more you cut the less it hurts and the more you cut the more frequent relapses are. Not that relapses mattered anymore, Kili had given up on giving up. What was the point of giving up anyway? It won't affect anyone else.

Kili came back into consciousness and found himself slumped against the wall of a cave with Fili's coat wrapped around him to keep him warm. Thorin was sitting on a large rock near the mouth of the cave with his head in his hands looking stressed out. Fili looked at his brother with creased eyebrows, knocking off the charming grin he usually wore. He couldn't figure out how Kili had kept something like this hidden from him, he just didn't understand why his brother would want to hurt himself like that. Kili could see the dark circles around his eyes indicating lack of sleep.  
Everyone was doing their own thing, obviously trying hard not to make eye contact with Kili.

"Kili...are you ok?" He asked gently as though he were talking to some small animal.

"Fine. I'm fine." Kili replied in a deep monotone while staring blankly into the distance.

"I need you to give me you weapons" Fili said sternly.

"I need them...t-to protect myself."

"No you don't. Give them to me. I won't let anything happen to you." He said but this time in a more gentle voice.

"No."

"Kili you need to stop this-this cutting."

"Don't you understand? I cant!" It was the first time in years Kili had shouted at his brother like this, but Fili didn't understand and he never would. Why couldn't things go back to normal? A tear escaped his eye, it wasn't just anger he felt.

"Yes you can! It's ok now, I'm here. I understand. We can fix this together."

"I don't need you help! I've dealt with this on my own for a long time!"

"Yes you do need my help!" Fili insisted

"I'm fine!"

"No! You're not fine!"

"STOP!" Thorin shouted as he broke up the argument between his two nephews.

Like little children Fili and Kili looked up at Thorin with puppy dog eyes hoping not to get in trouble.

"Kili stay here and don't...do anything. Fili I need to talk to you."

Thorin took Fili out to the nearby forest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's just-" Fili started

"Its not your fault. But Kili isn't in a very...stable condition now."

"Now? That's the thing. Did you see how many scars there were? This has been going on for much longer than we think."

"Yes, I saw the scars. But-but..."

"But what? He's kept it under our noses for so long. We didn't even realise! We could have stopped this. How did we not notice? How did we fail him so badly?"

"Fili...I don't know how we didn't realise. You're right, we could have stopped this. But can still can, it just takes time, effort and commitment. He'll get better, I promise. We will do everything we can to help but he needs to try his hardest as well."

Silently they headed back into the small cave.

"I'm sorry Kee."

"You're right. But-but I don't think I can do this."

"It won't be easy, but we'll get there. You're going to be ok-no, you're going to be better than ok. But you need to promise me you won't do anything like this again."

Kili let out a long wavering sigh before speaking, actually stuttering would be a better word to describe it.  
"I-I pr-pro-mise" Deep down he knew this would be one among the many lies and broken promises he made.

He handed him his many blades with pleading eyes which held pain and sadness that nobody had ever noticed before. Nobody, ever realises until its too late.

Together they sat against the wall of the cave in silence. He felt his brother leaning his head on to his shoulder. In an effort to make his shoulder more comfortable Kili tried to relax his tense arm. He looked at Fili, being slightly amused at how it seemed like Fili was having a battle against his drooping eyelids, trying to keep them open.

"You should rest now. Bofur's on watch. You look like a tired Orc zombie." He joked.  
Fili didn't laugh in reply like he usually did with Kili's jokes. Instead he looked down to the cold stone floor of the cave filled with guilt. How did these silly comments and jokes distract me from seeing Kili's depressed state.

Kili let out a fake yawn "Really now, I'll be fine just go to sleep."

"Hmmm" Fili was going to reply but he was so tired that forming words seemed like a lot of effort.

Sleep didn't claim Kili that night, he just lay down looking at the ceiling of the cave and let thoughts fill his head. How could everyone fall asleep so easily? He didn't always have trouble sleeping, it was only some nights he had to deal with insomnia and he was grateful for that, But why did he always have to be such a failure.

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**Please leave a review, I'd like to know your thoughts; mean or nice, correction or compliment, happy or sad, criticising or praising. :3 **


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